feeling a bit uggo (ugly)

I oscillate constantly between feeling like i’m aging in a good way, getting ‘sexier’ with time, and then feeling like gollum’s very close pop-singing relative. So decrepit, somehow both skinny and fat at the same time.

I'm 30. I’ve struggled with my body image for a lot of my life, as i’m sure most people have. I’m historically famously skinny, and i’m not THAT skinny anymore. I’m historically famously twinky (I am still the google search result image for ‘twink’), and i’m not THAT twinky anymore. Oy vey.

My natural response to this pressure is two pronged, depending on the day (or hour) you catch me.

Prong #1: Let’s not forget, I’m woke!!! I grew up on the tumblr of 2012. Before we were woke we were Social Justice Warriors, and the corner I existed in online was on the front line. I am body positive to my core and believe that every body is beautiful. I’m grateful for mine (and yours, sexy), and that it allows me to do all the things that I want to, free of pain and illness. It’s also cool to age... I heard this piece of advice (anecdotally) from a person at the very top of the fashion world - ‘stay ugly’. Ie. don’t fuck with your face. How cool!! When everyone else has the same nose and no wrinkles and no smile lines and filler that’s migrated all the way down to their necks, you’ll be so happy and chic and weathered and wise. Since December 1st, i’ve been going to the gym and eating more. Tracking calories, but in a way that feels less toxic than it sounds - i’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much I am advised to eat. I’ve been getting bigger - still lean, but more muscley, defined, and toned. It’s only been 6 weeks and sometimes i’ll run my hands over my chest and feel like it belongs to someone else. I have more energy and less tension in my neck. I’m proud of myself.

Prong #2: Fat transfer to my under eyes (i’ve heard filler under eye is dangerous and can look bad) CONSULTATION was going to cost me $3k USD. I know because I called to ask. I’d have to go under general anaesthetic, they’d take the fat from my legs or abdomen (lipo, but not enough to see any change from the donor area), purify it, and then inject it into my face. I’ve also heard i’m in the ideal window to start ‘baby botox’. How does that look on men? I really don’t want that frozen look, but I do notice my ‘elevens’ are starting to show even when i’m not frowning. I frown all the time because I have light blue eyes that are very sensitive to sun. That’s probably really bad. I should also probably start wearing SPF every day. I guess if i’m backlit, or only show the half of my face where the volume loss under my eyes is less pronounced (my right side is worse than my left), and angle my phone up high above my head and look up sort of doe-eyed, I can kind of still look the same as I did 5 or 6 years ago. The cracks are starting to show though. What good is money and modern medicine if not to fix all of these flaws that this random sicko fucko plastic surgeon told me I have in an instagram reel?

I’ve always hated red carpet photos. I think i’ve felt like I looked good in the photos maaaaaybe twice. Three times if you count the Met Gala where I wore the black dress and looked like the mum from Suite Life of Zach and Cody, but kind of in a chic way. How do I stand? I’m too embarrassed to pose the way I think people who look good on red carpets pose, so I just sort of stand there and do a bit of a half smile with my hands in my pockets and end up with something that, at best, looks like a school picture. I knew on the night of the NGV Gala that I did not feel like I looked good on the red carpet. I checked my instagram tags and was definitely like……oh. It wasn’t great. Hearing this unsolicited medical advice given publicly by a doctor I do not know pushed me toward Prong #2 for a fair few days. My all-knowing, eternally and deeply evil algorithm saw the opportunity in this moment of vulnerability, and pulled every lever and dialled every knob to 1000. I saw video after video of deep plane face lift recoveries, and ads for unapproved GLP-1 meds that now come in pill form (I weigh 59kg/130lbs at the moment). I hit the ‘not interested’ button a few times, and hoped for the best.

So, who’s going to win out in the end of the day? Prong #1? Prong #2? I’m embarrassed to say, but I can’t make any promises. Keep your eyes on my under eyes for updates. I’m patient with myself, and understand and respect both approaches. It’s us vs species-endingly-insatiable corporate greed, with access to addictive brainwashing technology. Good luck!!!!

EDIT: The doctor in the aforementioned video removed it, and sent me a really thoughtful and sweet message apologising. The title of this post was ‘fuck this guy!!’ and is now ‘feeling a bit uggo (ugly)’. No hard feelings from my side whatsoever. Thanks for all the love guys <3